Decisions

It's been ten days, now, since the break up, and - after ten whole days of back-to-back epiphanies, life crisises (or whatever the plural of life crisis is), semi-mad breakdowns, obsessive blogging and fits of intermittent crying, numbness and binge eating - I've totally changed my mind.

I still hurt like hell, and I still miss him to pieces, and I still love him to pieces (as well as actually wishing he was in physical pieces too, obviously: possibly as a result of something sharp and slicey), but this will not do. I am better than this; I am better than falling apart and running away because of a heartbreak, or because of a boy, or because of a judgement mistake. I will not be defeated by love, or forced out of an adventure, or forced out of a country before I've barely seen any of it. I will not slink back to England with my tail between my legs, broken and crying and two stone lighter, because of a man. It is not who I am, it is not who I have ever been, and it is certainly not who I am going to become now.

None of this is Japan's fault. I've tried to blame my unhappiness on it, but it has nothing to do with the country, and everything to do with me. I have achieved none of the things I came out here for: I have not written my book, I have not learnt more than a few words of a new language, I have not learnt to surf, I have not lived somewhere incredibly beautiful and I certainly have not found the romance and lifelong soulmate I thought I had found. I have seen almost nothing of Japan, I have met very few of its people, and I have made some excellent friends and spent hardly any time with them. Instead, I have sat on my own in the rain, crying over a mean boy who couldn't keep his pants on. In short: none of this has been Japan's fault, and all of it has been mine. I have let my own head and bruised heart ruin my adventure, and I'll be absolutely damned if I'm going to return home feeling foolish and pathetic and in pieces because I was too stupid and weak and in love to grab life properly.

So I'm coming back, and I'm starting all over again. I'm heading home for a week to see my friends and family, and to load up on all the love and Marmite and underwear I need, and then I'm flying back to Japan: to a brilliant new job that I've been offered in a totally different part of the country (right down South, in Miyazaki). This time it'll be sunny, it'll be by the sea, it'll be in the pretty countryside, it'll be shorter working hours and it'll be a large house and not a bedsit. I'll finish my book, I'll learn Japanese properly, I'll make friends with the locals, I'll learn how to surf, and I'll undo all the mistakes I made this time. I won't be lonely: I'll be free. I won't be isolated: I'll be enjoying peace and quiet. I won't be shut off: I'll be appreciating the local culture. And I won't be here for someone else, or for love. I'll be here for me.

There are some mistakes we make that we have to live with: that will follow us around forever. And there are some that we do not.

And this, I'm happy to say, is one of them. I do not have to live with this. It will not take me down. I'm returning to Japan, I'm taking this adventure back and I am going to make it mine again.