Sumo Butt

The WAM (Whatever And Multi-vitamins) diet is over.

I don`t have a problem with nakedness. In fact, I like nakedness. As my mum pointed out last night:

"I tell my work colleagues, Holly. I say `my daughter keeps taking her clothes off. If she`s not running around in the nuddy with old ladies in baths, she`s bouncing around in the sea with her friends. She doesn`t seem to be able to keep them on, and I don`t know what`s wrong with her. That`s certainly not how I brought her up.`" And then mum paused and looked at me on the webcam. "Although, now I think about it, you used to strip at the first sign of rain as a baby. It was all I could do to get wellies on your feet before you were out there, cavorting for all the world to see. Perhaps I should have seen the signs then."

My nakedness, though, has its limits. And the key criteria is this: I don`t mind being naked, in a harmonious, aren`t we all the same and isn`t it lovely enjoying the water like this kind of way, as long as nobody tries to talk to me about it. Because if you try and talk to me about it, my nakedness is no longer harmonious and hippy-like. It`s no longer humans, celebrating our humanity, and women, celebrating our femininity (or friends, celebrating drunkness). No: comment on my body and it is suddenly just me without any clothes on.

Which is why I was a little disturbed last night, when I strode confidently out of the local Onsen and stood on the changing room mat, nude, dripping and looking for my towel.
"Oooooohhhhh," a little naked old Japanese lady squealed, and ran right up to me - right up to me - and started pointing at my stomach. I stayed as still as I could and tried to both brazen it out and surruptitiously reach my towel without pushing her out of the way (she`d only need to slip on a bit of wet floor and I`d be responsible for the death of a naked pensioner, and I don`t want that).
"Look!" she started shouting at her friends, and - within 20 seconds - I was surrounded by Japanese women of all ages in various states of undress: most fully naked, one with a bra on, one wearing a pair of trousers. You know those dreams where you suddenly realise you`re standing, naked, in the middle of a room and everyone is grouping around and pointing at you? Try having one of those in Japanese.
I smiled as nicely as I could. "Hello," I said politely.
"Wooooooaaa," the old lady cried, and then she made the international sign language for hourglass va-va-voom and wiggled her hips a little bit. And then the little old lady next to her - a nice, polite, demure little old lady - made the international sign language for big boobs, and the international sign language for big butt, looked for a moment as if she was going to try and prod my bottom and gave me the thumbs up.
And all I could do was turn bright pink and bow, still butt naked. And all I could think was: I believe that a group of 70 year old Japanese naked women have just told me they`re ready for my jelly. I`m not going to be surprised if they form a line, start flicking me with wet towels and singing "I like big butts and I cannot lie...".

Tell me the truth, I texted a friend the minute I got out. Have I got too much jelly?
Nah, he texted back. Why?
A group of old Japanese ladies just told me I had junk in my trunk, or the old lady Japanese equivalent.
They love that here. Japanese women are straight up and down, so they all want a bit of fat on their girls.
So I am fat, then.
No. You`re just...
You`re going to say Bootylicious, aren`t you. Sod off.

And then, to top it off, the conversation this morning somehow steered to Sumo.
"How do they do it?" I asked Harai. "I mean, how do they get so massively fat?"
"They eat five times a day. When they aren`t eating, they sleep. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep."
There was a short silence.
"Oh Jesus, that`s exactly what I do, Harai."
"Women not allowed. But if women allowed, you make good sumo."

I`m all for having a bit of literal junk in the metaphorical trunk, but when a diet results in having your bottom tapped in a single-sex onsen by a naked old lady, it`s time to cut off supplies. And when your colleague suggests putting you in a large nappy and getting you to run at other fat, naked people, it`s time to think a little more carefully about what you`re eating.

If you want to keep running around naked, that is.

And I most certainly do.