Blonde Ninja

Finally. All this time in Japan, and I`ve finally turned into a Ninja.

Two facts about mosquitos: they bite 500 times more often when it`s a full moon, and they prefer blondes. It is a full moon, and I am blonde, therefore the last four nights have been spent, predominantly, being wound up by yet another mosquito. Never mind the fact that "mosquito season is over"; never mind the fact that I`ve technically got a mosquito repellent, and mosquito net up at all the windows. Never mind that I`m not sure I have any blood left. This mosquito was in, she was staying, and she was hell-bent on irritating the crap out of me.

Worse, unlike her ill-fated buddy a few months ago - drunk on me and stupid because of it - this one was wiley. She didn`t fly around while I was reading, landing heavily on my leg and sticking her nose sharply in to it. No: she was invisible and silent every single night until I turned the light out and started falling asleep, at which point she would start whispering in my ear. As soon as I sat up and turned the light on, she would disappear. As soon as I turned the light back off again, she would turn up again. And so on and so forth, until I was worn out and covered in big, swollen bites that clearly were the result of her going for long victory dances on my arms, legs, chin and neck, and snacking whenever she took the fancy.

By the end of the third night of the full moon, my thou shalt not kill vow was firmly withdrawn, and the cat and mouse game had become the most important part of my evening. Intelligence, wit, speed, instincts: I used all of mine, and they still weren`t enough to match a mosquito. I would turn the lights up, take my clothes off and lie very still, with as much skin exposed as possible, inviting her to bite me so I could kill her: she didn`t. I would pretend to read a book, when actually I was scanning the room with my hand raised: she stayed away. I pretended to fall asleep with a torch by my side; I covered myself from head to toe with a sheet; I faked snoring. I sat with the insecticide spray poised, and my finger on the button, for hours: book or computer on my lap, unable to concentrate on anything but her death. Nothing. And the minute I turned the light out and dozed off, she would target me again: mocking me, eating me, celebrating on me. Waking me up with her sweet little nothings and her violent and irritating blood lust.

Last night - when enough was, finally, enough (I had a bite on my elbow so big it hurt to bend it) - I pulled out the big guns: or, I should say, the big gun. The bazooka of all sprays: a bottle of insecticide so big, so yellow, and with such a long nozzle and fierce pressure, that Pulp Fiction music starts playing in my head as soon as I hold it. And then, with the bazooka in my right hand, and my finger on the button, I turned the lights out and went to sleep.

She didn`t stand a chance. When she came a-whispering last night and woke me up, I didn`t sit up, I didn`t roll over: I didn`t even open my eyes. I simply lifted the bazooka, aimed it at my left ear and shot her. And then I sleepily rolled over, turned on the light and confirmed - once and for all - that she had completed her final victory dance and nibbled her last earlobe.

"You are like ninja," Harai told me this morning.
"I know," I said proudly. "It was like being in Kill Bill or something. Except Kill Bill in pyjamas and with a much smaller, blood sucking villain. Like a miniature vampire Kill Bill."
"What is Kill Bill?"
"She`s like the heroes on the front of your folder, except yellow."
"Cool."
"I`m definitely more intelligent than a mosquito, though, right Harai? I mean, I`ve proved it, haven`t I. That`s a relief."
There was a thoughtful pause, and then Harai said:
"Yes. You are more clever than mosquito. Just."

Mosquitos kill more people than anything else in the world: more than wars, more than famine, more than cars. At least 2 million people a year die because of mosquitos, and in Africa alone 700 million people are infected with disease as a result of them. And, therefore, what the world really needs is a Ninja that can both attract and defeat them: can lure them in with their blood, and kill them with their speed and wit. A blonde who is actually more intelligent than a mosquito.

And I think that Ninja might be me.

Just.