Kancho

Here`s a thought for the day:

When you`re sad, when you`re overwhelmed by the futility of existence, just remember that at that very moment, somewhere in the world - probably Japan, but possibly Korea - somebody somewhere is trying to stick their index fingers up a stranger`s bottom in public, and somebody somewhere is trying to get them to stop.

We don`t do this in England. Adults and children alike do not habitually walk around with a hand covering their bottom, in order to fend off strange and unexpected digits. We don`t have a special kind of run-away walk, with our bottoms squeezed together and our knees as close as they can get so that stray hands don`t try to thrust their way into our backsides. No: the very thought of it would appall the British. If a stranger tried to stick a finger up our bottoms - or, worse, a friend or a child - we would get them locked up, or we would get locked up, or at the very least one of us would be called gay. In Britain, we keep our bottoms to ourselves, thankyou very much, and do not in any way expect it to be publically violated for the sake of humour.

Not so in Japan. In Japan, there is a popular game called Kancho. With Kancho, the rules are simple: you make your hand into the traditional gun shape, index fingers pointing forwards, and you try and stick it up somebody`s bottom while shouting Kancho (translation? Enema). The more you achieve, and the harder you shove, the better you have done. The other person, in the meantime, has to try and defend themselves and their bottoms, and remain at all times aware enough to run away before any permanent damage is done. This is not, incidentally, some strange, underground sort of entertainment for weirdos and perverts (although I`m sure they practice it too). There`s a tv show dedicated to trying to unexpectedly Kancho celebrities, and there is a child`s cartoon that does very little else. Children do it every few minutes, and while adults try to restrain themselves, they often break down and resort to their fun, irresponsible Kanchoing days with a shrug of the shoulders and a nostalgic smile. Much as we British would perhaps play a game of Snakes and Ladders on a rainy Sunday.

It`s not restricted to the Japanese, of course. South Koreans play it too: they call it Dong Chim, which means Poo Punch. The Filapinos play it and call it Tombong (rectum). And it is done with such a guileless, joyful recklessness - such an absolute unawareness that in the rest of the world this would be seen as utterly inappropriate - that as a Westerner the only possible reaction is to stare with an open mouthed, bemused expression at fifteen year old boys (who don`t so much as touch each other in England, for fear of being accused of homosexuality) gang up and group Kancho one of their friends.

I`ve been protected from it, thus far, because you don`t Kancho a teacher, and you don`t Kancho a foreigner. It`s a basic Japanese rule: leave the bottoms of teachers and strange white aliens alone. Students and strangers are trained to bow when they see us, not try to impale us with their hands. Unfortunately, over the weekend somebody obviously aired something educational on the television and failed to tell my kindergarteners that I am exempt, because I have just spent the majority of my thirty minute lesson running away from thirty four pointed guns and trying to stop anybody from going behind me (unfortunately, with four year olds this doesn`t necessarily work: they haven`t quite worked out either the rules or the science, yet, so they just go in from the front).

I`m a big fan of many Japanese things: sashimi, cherry blossoms, manga, Sony, kimonos, cartoon chickens in leather jackets with tartare sauce on their heads. But being forced to fight to defend my backside at 9am on a Tuesday morning? I`m not such a big fan. However much I want to adapt to the Japanese way of living while I`m here, there`s an ingrained student-teacher/adult-child divide in my head, and fingers up bottoms kind of crosses it.

I`ll be sitting them all down, next lesson, for a nice, quiet, talk about things they can and cannot do to their English teacher. A nice, quiet talk where I will also be sitting down.

And when I leave Japan, rest assured that it is one game I will not be bringing with me. I`ll be leaving all your bottoms alone.