Turning Japanese

Symptoms that you`re no longer a tourist.

You now make the noise "eehhh?" instead of "hmm?" or "huh?" when you're confused, despite being on your own.

You bow at everyone, for everything, at any time. Even when you're on the phone.

It feels completely normal to be butt naked in public - and to scrub yourself with a sponge while chatting to a stranger -...

...and yet extremely daring to expose your shoulders when clothed.

You start dropping your Rs and your Vs and forget what a normal L sounds like.

You're disappointed when traffic lights and buses don't play classical music...

 ...or when the fish counter at the local supermarket doesn't have a cartoon fish singing next to it.

 "Cuteness" is what you look for first in any purchase, including domestic appliances...

 ...and your mobile phone has cartoon animals hanging off it that weigh more than the phone does.

You no longer think that Hello Kitty is creepy.

You shout "gaijin!" when you see another foreigner walking down the street, and you mean it as slightly derogatory.

Seeing a man with a pink jacket, a toy duck attached to his briefcase or a ready supply of cartoon stickers is standard, and anyone without them seems a little butch.

You can no longer say "hi" as a greeting, because it sounds rude.


You know exactly how to pee into a hole in the ground, even as a girl.

Raw fish tastes normal, and cooking is what you do to the cheap bits.

You've taken to adding sugar to all your cooking. Including spaghetti bolognaise and steak.

You no longer think that putting sparkly or fluffy things in your hair is common, and see it as the height of feminine sophistication.

You can't imagine ever paying more than 100 yen for anything in your house. Ever. For any reason...

 ...unless it's fruit or clothes, in which case you'll happily spend ten times more than you would at home.

You don't remember what it's like to know what any of your bills say, or what they're for.

Your normal rate of speaking has dropped by 50%, even to other English speakers.

"And" has been replaced by "et to"; "cute" has been replaced by "kawaii"; "isn't it" has been replaced by "ne"; "don't you think" has been replaced by "des sho". Even when you're not speaking Japanese.

You actually believe that mayonnaise is a standard pizza topping...

...and cheese is a luxury.

You're angry when the toilet doesn't flush automatically, and you're forced to do it yourself.

Brushing your teeth surrounded by forty people is standard...

...but announcing that you need the toilet is taboo.

You've stopped asking "what's that?" about everything.

You can't imagine ever wearing shoes inside a building - especially in your own house - and in an emergency will jump on one tiptoe rather than wear shoes on a tatami mat.

A tan seems unattractive, and you've started buying face cream with whitening agents in it.

You feel underdressed on the beach unless you are wearing a sunhat, socks, full length trousers, gloves and a pashmina.

When speaking to your British friends, you've started adding the world 'san' on the end.

You gravitate towards Japanese schoolchildren rather than talk to strange Westerners in an airport.

The peace sign seems like the most natural thing to do in any photograph....

...while smiling somehow isn't.

Love hotels, Themed hotels and Capsule hotels are par for the course...

...but cheap hotels are not.

Karaoke is bog standard Friday night entertainment.

You think of every sentence in at least three different ways before you say it, just to work out which one is the easiest to understand.

You feel upset if nobody stares at you.

Making very long lists suddenly seems like quite an attractive way to spend your free time.