HOLLY MIRANDA SMALE

Writer, photographer, "rapper" and general technophobe takes on the internet in what could be a very, very messy fight. But it's alright: she's harder than she looks, and she's wearing every single ring she could get her hands on.







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Saturday, 14 March 2009

The Bottom Shuffle

Everyone knows that you have to warm up before you launch into anything important, or you'll just end up pulling something. For instance, it's a good idea to try out a little bottom shuffle before you hit the dance floor, or a quick walk before you break into a jog. You have to 'find your stride', or whatever it is that fitness fanatics say just before they prove that their stride is considerably more impressive than yours.

Warm ups don't seem to work for me, unfortunately. By the time I'm remotely tepid, I'm already half way home and patting myself on the back because the neck of my brand new sports t-shirt is damp. Plus, I never pull anything. Which is - I'm sorry to say - not a statement that is limited to my muscle groups.

So, here I am. In bed, with a cat on my feet; a cat who - for the record - is a) not mine and b) apparently not in control of her sphincter muscles, because she keeps emitting low volume noises and then looking at me in faint accusation. I just don't have the heart to tell her that it's her stomach issues, not mine. 

Why am I here, though? Three reasons:

1. I'm short-listed for The Best Job In The World, and I need to prove that I could do it. Frankly, I can write in my bedroom as diligently and as creatively as I like, but it doesn't really show great bravery or potential for mass appeal.

2. My love/hate relationship with the internet has to end, and it has to end now. If for no other reason than that I'll end up turning into someone who doesn't have a television either, and insists upon telling anyone who will listen that 'their life is so much fuller for it'. 

3. The Daily Mail called me 'a writer', so I am - now - 'a writer'. (I'm also, according to The Metro, a 'rapper'. I shall have to start working on that too, although I live in fear of getting too enthusiastic and dislocating my wrist.)

How to Blog, unfortunately, is a completely different problem. It has taken me all evening to work out whether I want a black background (too arty), a white background (too safe) or a pink background (too Barbie). To negotiate around content too is simply exhausting. So - in the spirit of adventure - I AM going to warm up. And this is it: a leg stretch of a Blog. A deep breath of a Blog. I'm testing out the flexibility: seeing what it looks like on the page. Working out how the hell to find it again afterwards (I think there might be quite a few of my old Blogs floating in internet-limbo because I could never work out where I had put them. A bit like technological hair-pins.) And tomorrow, when I'm refreshed and newly web-savvy, I'll be ready to run. 

And hey: maybe if I'm lucky, I might just end up pulling something. :)