Writer, photographer, "rapper" and general technophobe takes on the internet in what could be a very, very messy fight. But it's alright: she's harder than she looks, and she's wearing every single ring she could get her hands on.


Tuesday, 17 March 2009

TBJITW mistakes to learn from, in case this once-in-a-lifetime job ever comes up again.

1. Talk about the reef, not yourself.

2. Smile during interviews, and refuse to do any shots where they make you stare over a lake with a pen and notepad and 'pretend to write' (ITV, I hate you).

3. Don't dye your hair 5 times in a week, because it will turn into feathers and fall out.

4. Don't assume that all candidates love each other: they do not, and the shock will make you feel a bit sick.

5. Get a 'vote for me' campaign running before the end of the first week, and then don't try to catch up on lost time by making yourself unbearable to friends, family and the person who sells you a chocolate bar at the local shops by writing down the www.islandreefjob.com/holly URL every three seconds and then jabbing it enthusiastically with your finger.

6. Don't cry on a BBC documentary, even if they have just reminded you that you are jobless, single, houseless and that life is all going a bit wrong, isn't it. They're going to edit out what they've said, and it'll just be you crying on telly.

7. Don't say the word 'cocking' on national radio. Yes, it is a real, non-rude word, but that might not be as clear as it should be.

8. Don't assume that your only sibling will be voting for you, because - as she says - she's "really bloody busy, Holly. I've got a life too you know." And then don't respond with "It's not all about you, you know," because the irony will make your head explode.

9. Do not write a Blog that swears consistently, because - even though you can write without using language the Navy would be proud of - nobody is going to believe you.

10. Don't start a list with 'talk about the reef, and not about yourself', and then write the following 9 things about yourself. It lacks self-awareness.

If I was in Back To The Future, I would hop into that car, go back to the beginning of this competition, and I would nail it. Am going to try hooking a coathanger over the back of the cooker and strapping myself to the front, just in case that works too. Just hoping dad doesn't come home in the process. I've been told not to convert our household applicances into time-travelling machines anymore. Apparently it's a health and safety hazard.