HOLLY MIRANDA SMALE

Writer, photographer, "rapper" and general technophobe takes on the internet in what could be a very, very messy fight. But it's alright: she's harder than she looks, and she's wearing every single ring she could get her hands on.







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Saturday, 14 March 2009

Do woodlice purr??

I think it's fair to say that last night my dreams for the future were firmly punched on the nose.

Why?

Because cats are unbearable. Afore mentioned cat-with-gas stayed in my room all night, and I have had approximately one hour of decent sleep. After sleeping very politely and quietly - and making little snuffles of contentment to lull me into a false sense of security - the bloody animal then decided that she was so overcome with love for me that she would spend the following seven hours on my chest, licking my face, patting my head with her paw, purring into my ear, and generally causing a happy little commotion. At 8am (on a Saturday morning), I finally lost my temper, got up, opened the door and said: "Get out. No, don't look at me like that: get out. You, young lady, need to learn the art of playing it cool."

And why has this changed my future plans? I've never been very good at living with men (or women, but that's an entirely different post), so I've always appeased my worries of living alone forever with the thought - 'hey, if the worst thing comes to the worst I can always dissolve into a cliche, get a cat and leave all my millions to her when I die'.

But I can't.

a) because I don't have any millions: the cat would just be inheriting my overdraft facility, and b) because they are so darn needy it would destroy my retirement. If I wanted something pawing at me in the middle of the night and trying to get my attention - regardless of whether I'm sleeping or not - then I'd go and get a boyfriend.

So, now I have to get a new plan. I'm going to spend the rest of this morning looking into wood-lice. I've heard they make excellent - and very nonchalent - pets. And at least if they crawl over me in the middle of the night, it probably won't wake me up.